


580 memories

by killsometime



Category: GOT7
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Bad Love, Doctors & Physicians, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, a story in dialogue basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 16:24:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17790773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killsometime/pseuds/killsometime
Summary: A love story over 12 years. Over sleepless nights, long shifts, and secret kisses. Over anger, and fighting, and bitterness.





	580 memories

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song of the same name by Protomartyr. 
> 
> The medical education process in this is... not accurate. 
> 
> The line "stop messing around and be mine" is stolen from Maram <3

July 16, 2016

"You're still fucked up about him huh?" Jaebum asks, watching Jinyoung watch Yugyeom from afar.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Jinyoung replies, but his eyes are still following Yugyeom across the ward.

"God." Jaebum groans. "You could have anyone you wanted, but you want the one person who doesn't want you back. It's been years."

"It has not." Jinyoung insists, but they both know it's a lie. Just like every other time he's tried to deny it. Jinyoung is thirty-one and he's in love with someone who won't even give him the time of day.

\--

March 10, 2006

The first time Jinyoung sees Yugyeom is at Mark Tuan's house, when he's over to borrow an ironing board for his mother. The Tuans live next door, and Jinyoung's mother broke her ironing board.

Mark lets Jinyoung in with an easy smile.

"Come on in, my mom dragged it out of the closet already."

"Thank you so much." Jinyoung says, thanking

"Hello." Jinyoung says to the teenage boy.

"This is Kim Yugyeom." Mark says. "I'm tutoring him in math."

"Hello." Kim Yugyeom says quietly, not quite meeting Jinyoung's eyes. He's gangly and awkward in that way that most boys are when they're just finishing high school and haven't grown into their adult selves. He has a bad haircut, and his trousers are a little too short for him. He must've just grown, Jinyoung thinks.

"And this is my neighbour, Park Jinyoung." Mark says.

"It's nice to meet you." Jinyoung says. Yugyeom nods back.

"He's a year younger than me, and now he's off to medical school." Mark says. Yugyeom's eyes snap onto Jinyoung, as if really noticing him for the first time.

"You're going to medical school?" Yugyeom asks, voice still high and awkward from youth.

"Yeah." Jinyoung replies, and watches as Yugyeom's eyes grow huge.

"Whoa. That's awesome. You must be really smart." Yugyeom says, eyes wide. He looks seriously impressed. Jinyoung smiles.

"Not at all. It's all hard work."

"Even so!" Yugyeom exclaims excitedly. "You have to be super smart to even get in."

"Thank you. But it really is about hard work."

"I don't believe you." Yugyeom declares stubbornly. Jinyoung barely contains a laugh.

"You should." He says, smiling widely. "But thank you anyways."

"I don't know what I want to do with my life." Yugyeom says next.

"You have plenty of time." Jinyoung offers. "You'll figure it out."

"I don't know." Yugyeom says, chewing on his lip. "My parents want me to take over their business."

"Make sure you're living for your own happiness." Jinyoung replies, thinking of how his own parents were proud of him for the whole medical school application process.

\--

September 6, 2011

Jinyoung is coming off a forty-eight hour shift when he meets Yugyeom for the second time.

Jinyoung is in charge of showing the new medical students around, as it'll be their first time in the cardiothoracic unit. As the only resident not in surgery, it doesn't matter that he's tired as fuck. He shows up to the lobby with two cups of coffee, and deep bags under his eyes.

The gaggle of students show up when they're supposed to, and Jinyoung leads them to the unit, showing them a few important stops along the way. They;ll learn quickly, he figures.

It's undeniably Yugyeom, but instead of the quiet awe of the first time he'd met him, there's a subtle confidence there, and his eyes meet Jinyoung's head on. Gone is the awkwardness and uncertainty of youth, replaced with a kind of sureness and drive. He's also five years older.

The softness of teenagehood has been swapped out with the angles of adulthood. Yugyeom's high nose and cheekbones are more prominent now. He's tall too, taller than Jinyoung. Jinyoung can't quite tell under the white coat, but it seems as if Yugyeom's legs go on forever. He's also... handsome. Jinyoung can't ignore that.

Jinyoung knows that there's nothing much to be done about his appearance after such a long shift, but he smoothes down his hair anyways.

After he's finished showing the students around, he waits until most of them have left to say hello to Yugyeom.

"Hello." Jinyoung says, trying not to sound as tired as he feels. Yugyeom brightens immediately.

"Park Jinyoung, right?"

"Dr. Park Jinyoung." Jinyoung says with a smile. "But yes. And you know Mark Tuan right? He tutored you?" Jinyoung asks.

"In math, yes, that's me. I'm Kim Yugyeom." Yugyeom says, and bows politely. "Nice to meet you. Again." He adds with a laugh.

"Likewise." Jinyoung replies, and Yugyeom smiles softly at him, not fully sure of himself yet.

"You look the same." Yugyeom says. "I recognized you right away."

"You look older." Jinyoung replies. "But I suppose that can't be avoided because I saw you in a high-school uniform last time and now here you are in scrubs." Yugyeom smiles.

"I suppose so." He agrees. "Anyways. I don't want to keep you long. I'm sure you're busy. I just wanted to say hello. And maybe we'll see each other around a bit."

"We will." Jinyoung says. "This hospital isn't so big, you come to find over time."

Later he wonders how small the world is to have Yugyeom be in his cardiothoracic unit after so many years.

\--

September 15, 2011

Yugyeom sits down across from Jinyoung in the hospital cafeteria and slides a piece of chocolate cake across the table -- Jinyoung's favourite. It's lunch time, and Jinyoung has twenty minutes left on his lunch break.

"What's this for?" He asks, pointing to the cake.

"To catch up." Yugyeom says with a shy smile. "What are the chances that we'd both end up working at the same hospital?"

"Kind of small." Jinyoung admits.

So they catch up. Yugyeom tells Jinyoung how he shadowed a neurosurgeon for a day, and it affected him enough to want to pursue medicine as a career.

"Funny." Jinyoung says as Yugyeom finishes his story. "I went into it for the money."

"I'm sure you did." Yugyeom replies, but Jinyoung gets the distinct sense that he can see right through him, that he knows that Jinyoung isn't actually in it for the money. "Do you still keep in touch with Mark?" Yugyeom asks.

"A bit here and there." Jinyoung replies. They've fallen out of touch somewhat, after Mark moved away. "What about you?"

"No. Not since I started university."

"Ah, I see." Jinyoung says, taking a bite of the cake. "This is good. Thanks. Not for my diet though."

"You look fine as is." Yugyeom says, but he reaches his fork over to steal a bite of the cake. "There."

"Hmph." Jinyoung says. "Your pager is flashing."

"Shit!" Yugyeom says, looking down at his pager and racing off to wherever he's needed.

\--

October 3, 2011

Jinyoung finds Yugyeom opening all the doors on the sixth floor supply ward at two in the afternoon.

"Yugyeom?" Jinyoung asks and Yugyeom whirls around from the door to the janitor's closet he's just opened. A mop falls out.

"I'm sorry. I seem to be lost." Yugyeom replies sheepishly, and Jinyoung chuckles.

"What are you looking for?"

"I'm trying to find the pharmacist."

"Wrong floor." Jinyoung explains. "Go up one more floor."

"Thank you." Yugyeom says, and heads off at a sprint, his white coat flapping as he goes. Jinyoung wonders if Yugyeom walks anywhere at a normal pace.

\--

October 14, 2011

"Wait, so how do you know each other?" Jaebum asks after he came into the locker room after work to find Jinyoung explaining how the operating room schedule board works to Yugyeom.

"We met once before." Jinyoung says after Yugyeom is gone.

"So now you're best friends?" Jaebum asks.

"No! I'm just... showing him the ropes." Jinyoung says.

"Oh." Jaebum says, raising an eyebrow. "Showing him the ropes hmm?"

"It isn't like that." Jinyoung says with a roll of his eyes. "I just think it's cool that he went into medicine too. I don't mind helping."

"You never talk to students."

"I do so!"

"You don't." Youngjae says, coming into the locker room with a bang and stripping down immediately. "Do I smell like puke?"

\--

October 25, 2011

"You have a soft spot for him." Jaebum says after watching Jinyoung show Yugyeom how to fill out the online department transfer form.

"No." Jinyoung denies immediately.

"I've never seen you baby someone before." Jaebum replies.

"I don't baby him." Jinyoung mutters, but it's too late.

\--

November 17, 2011

Jinyoung finds Yugyeom waiting outside the room he's attending a patient in.

"Oh! Did you need something?" He finds himself asking, shutting the door carefully.

"I was walking past on my way out and I thought I'd say bye."

"Headed home?" Jinyoung asks. Yugyeom nods.

"Yeah. Oh! Want some cake?" He asks, holding out a plate with the remnants of a chocolate cake and a few forks on it.

"What's this for?" Jinyoung asks, pointing to the cake.

"It's my birthday today." Yugyeom explains shyly. "Some of the other students got me something to celebrate since I had to work all day."

"Oh. Happy birthday!" Jinyoung says brightly. Yugyeom smiles back at him and his smile seems more radiant than usual.

"Thanks! I can't believe I'm twenty-two." Yugyeom says. Jinyoung falters. Yugyeom is twenty-two? That makes him six years younger than Jinyoung. He hadn't realized that about Yugyeom. He doesn't understand why he feels a little strange knowing that information.

"The years pass by quickly." He says in a neutral voice. "But you said something about cake?"

"Oh! Yeah!" Yugyeom answers brightly. He holds out the plate again.

"You're a chocolate person?" He asks, picking up a fork and taking a bite.

"A little..." Yugyeom says, trying to hide a smile. "Is the cake good?"

"Delicious, thank you!" Jinyoung's pager beeps. "I gotta go. Have a good rest of your birthday!" Jinyoung says.

"Thanks Jinyoung." Yugyeom says with a shy smile.

\--

November 28, 2011

Jinyoung can hear yelling before he rounds the corner.

"- do you hear me?" Suji yells. "You're not stupid are you?"

"No." Yugyeom says.

"I'm not convinced!" Suji says. "Because you just made a stupid mistake!"

"I'm sorry." Yugyeom says. "I won't do it again."

"You better not or I'll see that you're gone from this hospital!" She shouts, and then stomps off.

Jinyoung waits a beat, then two, then goes to talk to Yugyeom.

Yugyeom is just staring out the window when Jinyoung approaches him. His shoulders are slumped.

"Did you see that whole thing?" Yugyeom asks, sounding defeated.

"Yeah." Jinyoung admits. "Well. The last part of it."

"Great." Yugyeom says, wiping a stray tear from his cheek. "The sunbae I'm trying to impress saw me get chewed out." Jinyoung ignores the second part of Yugyeom's response.

"We all get chewed out sometimes." He says instead.

"I know I fucked up." Yugyeom says. "I know I did. But she didn't need to be so horrible about it." His bottom lip quivers as he says this.

"I know." Jinyoung says. "I know."

"I already feel like shit today, and then I messed up, and then Suji-"

"Stop." Jinyoung interrupts. "What matters is what you do next. Are you going to make that mistake again?"

"No." Yugyeom says tentatively.

"You learned from your mistake. And now you're going to be a better doctor." Jinyoung says, not unkindly.

"I guess." Yugyeom says.

Jinyoung reaches up and squeezes Yugyeom's shoulder, just lightly.

\--

December 11, 2011

Jinyoung finds Yugyeom waiting for him as soon as he comes in for his evening shift.

"Jinyoung sunbae?" Yugyeom asks, resembling a dog with how he launches himself forward to talk to Jinyoung.

"Yes?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"I won't tell you the answer to a question on a test if that's what you're asking." Jinyoung replies with an amiable smile.

"Not that." Yugyeom says quickly. "I was just... wondering if you made a mistake when you first started."

"Of course I did." Jinyoung answers. "I made lots of mistakes."

"I almost killed someone last month." Yugyeom says. "That's a big mistake."

"Well." Jinyoung says. "You just had it happen sooner than later."

"What do you mean?"

"I almost killed someone in the first surgery I was allowed to assist in."

"What?"

"Well. He had a reaction to the anesthetic. You don't know what's going to happen."

"But I-"

"No. You don't know what's going to happen." Jinyoung interrupts. "Suji bitched you out because a patient had a heart attack. That doesn't mean that it was you. You made a mistake evaluating her and then she had a heart attack outside of her previously existing condition."

"What?"

"Suji didn't tell you?"

"No." Yugyeom answers with a furrowed brow. Jinyoung sighs.

"She was too hard on you. I told her that. I told her to tell you what really happened. But I guess she didn't."

"No." Yugyeom says slowly, brow furrowed. "She didn't."

"And Yugyeom?" Jinyoung says.

"Yes?"

"You can call me hyung if you want." Jinyoung says.

"Oh. Really?" Yugyeom asks with wide eyes.

"Yeah. Why not?" Jinyoung replies.

"Thank you. Hyung." Yugyeom says, and Jinyoung feels a warmth bloom in his chest.

\--

January 5, 2012

"Did you have a good holiday?" Yugyeom asks when Jinyoung sees him after Christmas.

"I did. And you?" Jinyoung doesn't bother to correct Yugyeom that he didn't technically have a break. He worked over Christmas.

"It was nice." Yugyeom says. "But I'm happy to be back to work."

"We'll make a workaholic of you yet." Jinyoung says, and ruffles Yugyeom's hair.

Jaebum eyes them curiously.

\--

February 12, 2012

Yugyeom is flirting with one of the nurses. It shouldn't bother Jinyoung. But it does. It isn't any of Jinyoung's business, but he finds himself staring anyways before he forces himself to get back to rounds.

\--

February 15, 2012

Yugyeom is fixing his hair in the locker room when Jinyoung comes to change after his shift.

"Going somewhere?" Jinyoung asks.

"I have a date." Yugyeom says, mussing his hair one more time.

"Oh. Nice." Jinyoung says.

"Yeah. She is." Yugyeom replies with a smile. Jinyoung gets a funny feeling in his chest.

\--

March 3, 2012

Jinyoung sits down across from Yugyeom in the cafeteria, where a seat has been left purposely empty. Yugyeom's hair is styled today, he notices.

"Ugh." He says with a heavy sigh. "I think I'm going to have to work late tonight." Yugyeom coughs. "Hmm?"

"Er. Sorry hyung. It's just... I'm having lunch with Eunha. Sorry." Yugyeom says awkwardly.

"Oh. Oh. Right. Of course." Jinyoung says quickly. "Sorry." He picks up his tray hastily. "We can catch up another time."

\--

April 4, 2012

Jinyoung comes in to work to find everyone a little tense, just a little off.

"What's going on?" Jinyoung asks Hani.

"Yugyeom and Eunha broke up." Hani says. "Things are a little tense."

"Oh." Jinyoung says. "Well. These things happen." Yugyeom does look glum, Jinyoung can't help but notice. But he's a little busy feeling satisfied that Yugyeom and Eunha broke up. Workplace relationships never work out. "Who broke up with who?"

"I didn't take you as a gossip." Hani says.

"I'm not." Jinyoung says, probably too defensively.

"Yugyeom broke up with her. I don't know why." She says, and Jinyoung starts to get an idea why he's been feeling so funny about this whole thing.

\--

May 4, 2012

Yugyeom is avoiding Jinyoung. That much is clear. He's as busy as any first year medical student at the hospital. But somehow he manages to evade Jinyoung at every opportunity. Jinyoung doesn't push it.

\--

May 20, 2012

"Hey." Jinyoung says when he finds Yugyeom standing in the line in the cafeteria. It's the first time that he's seen Yugyeom from a distance closer than across the room in several months.

"Hey." Yugyeom says back, offering a small smile.

"It feels like forever since I saw you." Jinyoung says, jostling his shoulder against Yugyeom's.

"Oh. Sorry. I've been busy." Yugyeom says, and he seems genuinely apologetic. "Wow. Lunch looks good."

"No worries. Just thought I'd make sure everything was okay with you."

"Oh. Uh. Yeah. No. Everything's more than okay." Yugyeom replies. "Er. Do you want to eat lunch with me?"

"Sure. If you aren't busy." Jinyoung says, and winces. "Sorry, that came off ruder than I thought."

"No worries hyung." Yugyeom says, and his smile this time is a little bigger. A little more genuine.

They eat lunch together. Jinyoung wishes Yugyeom luck on his exams.

\--

June 27, 2012

Yugyeom passes his first year of medical school. Jinyoung won't see him until September.

\--

September 1, 2012

The first time Jinyoung sees Yugyeom it undoes all the hard work he'd done over the summer trying to convince himself that he isn't attracted to Yugyeom.

With freckles across his nose and a fresh haircut, Yugyeom seems more handsome than he did two months prior. Jinyoung swallows and makes his rounds.

\--

September 20, 2012

"You've been single for a while now." Jaebum says one day over dinner. Jinyoung doesn't see his friend as often as he used to -- they're in different units of the hospital.

"Hmm." Jinyoung says in response.

\--

October 31, 2012

There's a hospital policy banning Halloween costumes but Yugyeom wears a little headband with Halloween pumpkins on it for the lone child patient they have. Nobody says anything, not even when he slips a little chocolate to the girl.

\--

November 16, 2012

Jinyoung makes an impulsive stop at the bakery on his way home from work.

\--

November 17, 2012

"For you." Jinyoung says, pushing the little box towards Yugyeom.

"What's this?" Yugyeom asks.

"It's nothing." Jinyoung replies with a shrug. He watches Yugyeom carefully open the box. Yugyeom has surgeons' hands, Jinyoung thinks -- long fingers and able palms.

"You remembered." Yugyeom says with a grateful smile.

"Happy birthday Yugyeom." Jinyoung says.

The smile that Yugyeom sends his way sends a little flutter to Jinyoung's stomach.

\--

November 18, 2012

"Are you doing anything tonight hyung?" Yugyeom asks.

"No. Why?"

"Let's go for dinner. There's a restaurant I've been meaning to try and none of my friends are free. Think of it as a late birthday dinner." Yugyeom wheedles. Jinyoung feels his resolve crumbling.

"Fine." Jinyoung agrees.

They go for dinner after work. It's better than nice.

\--

November 19, 2012

They have lunch together at work

\--

November 28, 2012

He and Yugyeom have hung out every day for the last ten days, Jinyoung realizes. And he doesn't even mind. He hates spending much time with most people. But yet he finds himself wanting to spend more and more time with Yugyeom. He's younger than Jinyoung but they have so much to talk about. Yugyeom is mature for his age, or maybe he just possesses the maturity that comes with being in the medical field. Yugyeom is funny, and he always seems to cheer Jinyoung up when he needs it.

He's a good friend.

\--

December 17, 2012

"I'm working on Christmas." Yugyeom says glumly.

"Me too." Jinyoung replies. "No one else is though. It'll just be us in the unit and the doctors."

"Oh. Really?" Yugyeom asks.

"Yeah." Jinyoung says, trying to convince himself that he isn't excited about that fact.

\--

December 24, 2012

"I'm so tired I think I could sleep for ten years." Yugyeom groans when he joins Jinyoung in the break room. The usual reality has set in. The holidays are busy for cardiothoracic issues. Jinyoung and Yugyeom have been running around all day.

"You have six hours." Jinyoung says. "That's close enough right?"

"I guess." Yugyeom says with a huff.

"I'm going to go check on the patient in 3B." Jinyoung says. He's about to leave when Yugyeom calls out.

"Hyung." Yugyeom calls out. "Come lie down with me."

"But-"

"You have your pager." Yugyeom says, almost a whine. "You'll wake up if something happens."

Jinyoung lies down on the single bed crammed next to Yugyeom. They both smell like sweat and hospital but Jinyoung doesn't care.

\--

December 25, 2012

Jinyoung wakes up on Christmas morning to find Yugyeom curled up beside him, hand grasping Jinyoung's arm loosely. His hair is hanging over his eyes, and he looks exhausted even in his sleep. Jinyoung is in love.

\--

January 1, 2013

Yugyeom gets back together with Eunha. Jinyoung comes into work to see them kissing in the parking lot. He throws himself into his tasks for the day. He doesn't let his disappointment affect his work. His surgeries go well.

\--

January 6, 2013

"I thought you broke up with her." Jinyoung says to Yugyeom while they're scrubbing up together. Soon enough, Yugyeom will start assisting on surgeries, even just in a small way.

"Eunha?" Yugyeom asks. "Uh. It's... yeah. We broke up. But..."

"But you got back together." Jinyoung says, trying not to sound too crushed.

"It's complicated." Yugyeom says, washing his hands carefully.

"I see." Jinyoung replies, even though he doesn't. He doesn't see at all. "Come on. The surgeon is waiting." He says brusquely.

\--

January 21, 2013

Jinyoung is going to the break room at three in the morning when Eunha and Yugyeom stumble out of it. They're giggling and holding hands. Yugyeom's hair is ruffled.

Jinyoung brushes past them.

\--

February 14, 2013

Jinyoung is given an anonymous Valentine's Day card. It says, 'you make my heart pound'.

\--

February 15, 2013

Yugyeom witnesses Jinyoung being asked out by a bumbling intern. Jinyoung meets Yugyeom's eye and agrees.

\--

February 18, 2013

It's just a single date.

"You like someone else." She says to Jinyoung as they eat Italian food.

"I wish I didn't." Jinyoung answers honestly.

"If you ever don't like them any more." She says with a smile more genuine than Jinyoung deserves. "Come find me."

\--

February 25, 2013

"How was the date?" Yugyeom asks when they make rounds together.

"Fine." Jinyoung replies breezily.

"She's pretty."

"She's not my type." Jinyoung says. "Now, what are the symptoms of myocarditis?"

Yugyeom sighs and begins to recite.

\--

May 8, 2013

"I broke up with Eunha." Yugyeom says.

"Why do I care?" Jinyoung asks, because he can.

"I just... I don't know. We're keeping it quiet this time. So I thought I'd tell you."

"Hmm." Jinyoung says, trying to ignore the way hope flares up in his body.

\--

June 2, 2013

It isn't unreasonable, Jinyoung thinks, to be in love with Yugyeom. He's just... Jinyoung's favourite person. And he's handsome. And kind. And considerate. And now that he's single, he spends more time with Jinyoung.

But he's in his third year of medical school and Jinyoung is a resident. Nothing can happen.

\--

September 1, 2013

Nothing can happen when Yugyeom's muscles start filling out, and he gets a haircut that suits him.

\--

October 31, 2013

Nothing can happen when unknowingly Yugyeom dresses up like a devil and Jinyoung dresses up like an angel for a staff Halloween party and they get voted best couple costume and have to take cheesy photos together.

\--

December 31, 2013

Nothing can happen when Jinyoung gets a text from Yugyeom saying "happpy new ear yung! wish u were here". Jinyoung doesn't respond, and he doesn't acknowledge it ever happening.

\--

February 23, 2014

Nothing can happen when Jinyoung becomes a mentor to Yugyeom. Yugyeom is choosing cardiothoracic surgery as his specialty, and Jinyoung couldn't be more pleased.

\--

May 18, 2014

But now Yugyeom is growing older. He's almost done his schooling and soon he'll enter his clinical years. There won't be as much of a gap between them.

\--

July 27, 2014

Yugyeom is dead tired.

Jinyoung recognizes the exhaustion from his own early residency days, sees it in the way Yugyeom barely holds his shoulders up.

He goes to the vending machine and buys two cans of coffee.

"Here." He says, and slides a can of coffee over towards Yugyeom. "Doctor's orders."

"What for?" Yugyeom asks.

"You look like you're about to pass out. That doesn't do anyone any good."

"I'm fine." Yugyeom insists, but he takes the coffee anyways.

They drink their coffee in silence, too tired to say much of substance.

"I never used to like coffee." Yugyeom says. "But now I can't get enough." He adds, and Jinyoung gets the distinct feeling that he isn't just talking about coffee.

\--

August 2, 2014

"He's looking for you." Eunha says.

"Who?" Jinyoung asks, even though he knows.

"Yugyeom. He's by the ambulance doors." She says stiffly. "A surgery went wrong." She says, a little more tender this time. Jinyoung had heard about the surgery. The old woman died.

Jinyoung makes his way to the ambulance doors, leaning on the frame of the door, looking at Yugyeom sitting on the ground. He's still in his surgery scrubs. It's pouring rain.

Jinyoung clears his throat to let Yugyeom know that he's there. Yugyeom turns to look at him, and then turns back to look out at the rain.

"Do you smoke?" Yugyeom asks. "Because I used to, when I was in university and I'd kill for a cigarette right now."

"You should change." Jinyoung says firmly.

"I will." Yugyeom says. "Just... let me have this for a moment."

"Fine." Jinyoung says, and turns to leave.

"Can you stay?" Yugyeom asks suddenly, voice too loud.

"I have five minutes." Jinyoung answers.

"That's enough." Yugyeom says heavily.

"There's nothing more you could've done." Jinyoung says softly. "Really."

"But I could've-"

"Stop. Listen to yourself here. You're a doctor, but even you can't save everyone." Jinyoung says firmly. Yugyeom chews on his lip.

"I should've-"

"You did everything you could. There's nothing else you should have done." Jinyoung says. "Please don't beat yourself up."

"But-"

"No buts! Did you do your very best, to the best of your abilities?"

"Yes."

"Did the doctor in charge do their very best?"

"Yes." Yugyeom answers.

"Then that's all we can ask. We can't control everything." Jinyoung says softly.

Yugyeom wordlessly stands up and wraps Jinyoung into a tight hug.

"Thank you hyung." He says. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Jinyoung says back, patting Yugyeom's back comfortingly. It feels good to have Yugyeom's arms around him like this. "Go home early." Jinyoung instructs.

"But-" Yugyeom starts to say, and pulls away from Jinyoung.

"Go. I'll cover for you." Jinyoung says, and gets a wobbly smile from Yugyeom.

\--

August 3, 2014

"Thank you. For yesterday." Yugyeom says.

"Don't worry about it." Jinyoung replies with a shrug. Yugyeom braces his shoulders.

"I will worry about it. You're a good friend to me." Yugyeom says roughly. "You... You're important to me."

"You're important to me too." Jinyoung reveals, something bubbling in his stomach.

"Thank you for yesterday." Yugyeom repeats, more confidently. He's starting to look like the man he's becoming, Jinyoung thinks.

\--

August 19, 2014

"Hyung! Come for drinks with me after work tomorrow?" Yugyeom asks Jinyoung when he sees him in the lunchroom. Jinyoung finds himself nodding.

\--

August 20, 2014

Jinyoung puts more effort into his appearance than he usually does. He puts on his nice jeans, the ones that show off his ass, and a t-shirt to show off his arms.

"You look different." Yugyeom says when he sees Jinyoung at the bar.

"Different bad?" Jinyoung asks, but if he isn't mistaken, Yugyeom is staring at his ass.

"No. No! Uh. Just. I guess I'm not used to seeing you out of scrubs." A line about seeing him out of anything almost slips out of his mouth, and Jinyoung hastily has a gulp of his wine to distract himself.

\--

September 4, 2014

Jinyoung has his first surgery with Yugyeom assisting. Well, assisting the assistant. They're attuned to one another and the surgery goes well.

"Well done." Jinyoung says afterward.

"You should say that to yourself." Yugyeom says with a laugh. "You're an amazing surgeon."

"I'm not." Jinyoung says, but he feels himself blushing.

\--

November 17, 2014

"Hmm. What day is it?" Jinyoung asks aloud when he sees Yugyeom. "I feel like I'm forgetting something..." He tapers off, feigning ignorance but laughing when Yugyeom frowns at him.

"You're not going to wish me a happy birthday?" Yugyeom asks, tilting his head to the side.

For a moment, just a moment, it seems as if Yugyeom is flirting with him.

"Happy birthday Yugyeom-ah." Jinyoung says, and then pinches Yugyeom's cheek. "Finally a grown-up." He says, and ignores Yugyeom's second frown.

\--

November 21, 2014

"You know that I'm a grownup right hyung?" Yugyeom says to Jinyoung as they're preparing for a surgery together, going over how they'll do the procedure.

"Of course I do." Jinyoung answers. "Why wouldn't I?"

"But... It's just... I'm grown up. I'm a man now." Yugyeom says.

"Yes, that's obvious." Jinyoung says. "You're all muscley now. Not the beanpole I first met."

"Hyung!"

"Where's this coming from?" Jinyoung asks, looking away from a set of MRI pictures. "Do I treat you like a child?"

"No..." Yugyeom says. "But. I just wanted to confirm that you know I'm here for you. As almost an equal."

"I'm still your hyung." Jinyoung reminds him.

"I know, I know." Yugyeom says quickly. "I just mean... I want to be there for you the same way that you're there for me." Jinyoung stays silent. "I want to hug you when you have a bad day. I want you to be able to call me when you need someone to say you're doing a good job. I want to..." He tapers off.

Jinyoung looks at him. Yugyeom looks almost as if he's confessing. But Jinyoung can't get carried away.

"Thanks Yugyeom." He says, forcing a smile. "But... I'm your hyung. That's how it works."

"I see." Yugyeom says, and Jinyoung can see the frustration on his face. "So after we look at the heart we'll-"

\--

December 3, 2014

Jinyoung catches Yugyeom staring at him as he checks a patient. It isn't a zoned out stare. It's a purposeful stare.

Perhaps this isn't as one-sided as he initially thought.

\--

December 4, 2014

"Hey Jinyoung. I know this a little weird but-" Yugyeom asks as they're making rounds together.

"Dr. Kim?" Jinyoung hears from somewhere.

"Do you want to-" Yugyeom continues.

"Dr. Kim?" Someone yells. "We need you."

"I need to go." Yugyeom says. "I'll... see you around I guess." He says, and runs off to wherever he's being called to. Jinyoung sighs.

\--

December 5, 2014

Jinyoung and Yugyeom are in the locker room before work.

Yugyeom is changing into his scrubs and Jinyoung can't help but ogle him a little. Yugyeom has a nice body, Jinyoung would be foolish not to stare a little. But then Yugyeom pulls his shirt down and catches Jinyoung staring at him. Jinyoung can't make himself look away. His eyes meet Yugyeom's, and then he watches Yugyeom's eyes trail up and down his body. Jinyoung gulps.

Yugyeom gets his stethoscope and coat and closes his locker.

"Have a good day." Yugyeom says, brushing past Jinyoung, far closer than necessary.

"You too." Jinyoung says, heart pounding.

\--

December 16, 2014

"Are you working over Christmas?" Yugyeom asks Jinyoung, tone too light. Jinyoung is immediately suspicious.

"No. I have it off." Jinyoung answers. "But I'm working New Years' Eve."

"Good to know." Yugyeom says.

\--

December 31, 2014

Somehow, Yugyeom is working today, even though he wasn't supposed to be initially. Jinyoung is suspicious.

Before Jinyoung knows it, it's almost midnight. He's just finishing his rounds when he gets tugged into the breakroom.

"What?" Jinyoung asks, and finds himself pushed against the door by Yugyeom.

He can hear cheering from outside but Jinyoung's eyes are locked on Yugyeom's.

"Happy New Year I guess." He says. Yugyeom licks his lips and leans in slightly closer.

"Happy New Year hyung." Yugyeom says, and for a moment Jinyoung is sure that Yugyeom is going to kiss him.

But then he pulls away.

"I should go." Yugyeom says.

Jinyoung reaches out and grabs Yugyeom's hand to stop him from from leaving.

"Don't go." He says.

"I don't want to do something I'll regret." Yugyeom says, not even turning to face Jinyoung.

"What if you don't regret it?" Jinyoung asks, heart hammering. Yugyeom turns around.

"Happy New Year Jinyoung." He says. "I'll see you later."

And he leaves, taking another piece of Jinyoung's heart with him.   
  
\--

January 15, 2015

Tension sits between them heavily. Jinyoung doesn't know where they stand. He makes jokes to Yugyeom, and Yugyeom doesn't laugh. But Yugyeom stares at him. He stares at him as though Jinyoung is a prize waiting to be won.

As much as he pretends not to, Jinyoung likes it.

\--

February 2, 2015

Jinyoung's pager buzzes and tells him to go to the supply closet in the cardiothoracic unit. Jinyoung is confused, but he goes. What if someone has collapsed, he thinks.

No one has collapsed though. Because Jinyoung finds himself pushed against the wall by a smiling Yugyeom. Jinyoung's heart drops into his stomach.

"So." Jinyoung says. "You wanted to talk to me? I don't think this is what pagers are for."

"I passed my boards." Yugyeom says, looking down at Jinyoung with dark eyes. "Doesn't that mean I get a kiss?"

"I think that just means that you're a resident now." Jinyoung deadpans, but his heart is pounding. "I'm pretty sure kisses aren't part of the equation."

"Shut up Jinyoung." Yugyeom says, and puts an around Jinyoung's lower back to yank him closer. "I don't know why I even-" Jinyoung presses his lips to Yugyeom's, stopping him from finishing his sentence. Yugyeom deepens the kiss instantly, dropping whatever he was going to say to kiss Jinyoung fully.

\--

February 12, 2015

The after board exam kiss turns into after surgery kisses.

\--

February 20, 2015

And after work kisses. And then sex. In hidden, lockable places at work. In their cars. In their apartments.

\--

February 28, 2015

But nothing more. Jinyoung was promoted in February, and the barrier of seniority appears again.

"What are we?" Yugyeom asks one day, lips still red from kissing Jinyoung outside the ambulance doors.

"We're..." Jinyoung pauses. "It's early."

"Okay." Yugyeom says. "We'll take things slow." He adds brightly. Jinyoung nods.

\--

March 1, 2015

"I wish I was smarter." Jinyoung says with a groan over lunch.

"So you made it all the way to residency just using hard work?" Yugyeom asks, quirking an eyebrow, and Jinyoung thinks back to that conversation they had so long ago. He can't believe that Yugyeom remembers.

"I'm really not a genius."

"No. But you motivated me to work hard." Yugyeom says. "So thank you, even if it was a lie."

"I was the one to motivate you to get into medical school?" Jinyoung asks.

"A little." Yugyeom says with a shrug, but he's blushing. "There were other factors. I thought you were cool."

"I'm not cool." Jinyoung says with a laugh.

"No. You're very, very hot." Yugyeom says, and Jinyoung laughs so loudly that the farthest table in the cafeteria turns to look at him.

\--

March 24, 2015

"You're in love with him." Jaebum says, and it isn't a question.

\--

April 2, 2015

Jinyoung turns down Yugyeom's invitation to be boyfriends.

\--

June 17, 2015

And again.

\--

August 31, 2015

"Will you ever agree to be my boyfriend?" Yugyeom asks when he's lying in bed next to Jinyoung. Their cum is still drying.

"Maybe." Jinyoung says, and launches out of bed to get dressed.

\--

September 3, 2015

He knows it isn't fair. But he's selfish. If he keeps Yugyeom at an arms' length like this, they won't ever have to break up, and they won't ever get in trouble for being in an inappropriate relationship. It's the best option. Jinyoung gets his small sliver of Yugyeom, and Yugyeom gets his small sliver of Jinyoung.

\--

September 27, 2015

So why is Jinyoung so miserable if this is the best choice?

\--

October 14, 2015

Yugyeom shows up at Jinyoung's apartment, completely drunk.

"You're drunk." Jinyoung says, when he opens the door to find a swaying Yugyeom on the other side.

"Why won't you be my boyfriend?" Yugyeom asks. "Why won't you tell anyone?"

"Because we can't date." Jinyoung answers.

"Do you not like me?"

"That's not-"

"That didn't stop you before!" Yugyeom says back. "What's the difference now? You can fuck me but you can't date me?"

"That's not it!" Jinyoung bursts out.

"Then tell me what it is." Yugyeom says. "Because I'm really struggling to understand." He must be more sober than Jinyoung thought.

"I'll tell you when you're sober." Jinyoung says.

"Fuck you." Yugyeom slurs, and then shuffles back down the hallway. Jinyoung sighs heavily.

\--

October 15, 2015

Today, Jinyoung shows up outside Yugyeom's apartment.

"What? Come to try and fuck me and then tell me that we can't be together?" Yugyeom asks when he opens the door.

"No. I came to talk." Jinyoung says.

"Isn't that the same thing? You never talk to me. You just fuck me and leave."

"You're-"

"What? Younger? Your junior? That doesn't seem to bother you when I have my dick in your ass." Yugyeom says, and Jinyoung is scared of him for the first time. Yugyeom is angry. And he deserves to be angry. Jinyoung has been treating him poorly for months.

"But-"

"No. Just stop Jinyoung. Please."

"I'm sorry." Jinyoung says.

"I really don't think you are." Yugyeom says. "And now I'm going to close the door. And we're not going to kiss any more."

"Yugyeom-" Jinyoung starts to say, but Yugyeom shuts the door on him.

\--

October 31, 2015

Yugyeom doesn't come to the staff Halloween party. Jinyoung pretends that he isn't disappointed.

\--

November 22, 2015

At work, Jinyoung and Yugyeom are the picture of professional. But nothing goes past the work. Jinyoung misses Yugyeom.

\--

November 29, 2015

"I miss you." Jinyoung says to Yugyeom when they're alone in the hallway walking to check a patient after surgery.

"You miss my dick." Yugyeom says.

"No. I miss you. I miss us." Jinyoung whispers. Yugyeom freezes.

"There is no us." Yugyeom says. "There was never any us. You made that very clear."

"There was..." Jinyoung says. "Maybe we can't be official but-"

"Are you even hearing yourself?" Yugyeom asks. "You're ridiculous."

"I just want to get us back." Jinyoung says.

"I should've never kissed you. I should've never even gotten close to you." Yugyeom hisses and Jinyoung feels his heart shatter.

"Don't say that."

"What else am I supposed to say Jinyoung? That I don't mean it?"

"Yugyeom-"

"Don't. Stop right there. I don't want to hear anything else."

"So you're just going to shut me out?"

"That's all I can do anymore." Yugyeom says. "It's my only defense against you."

"Yugyeom-"

"Shut up Jinyoung." Yugyeom says forcefully. "Shut up and let me do my job without you fucking with my head for one day!" He says, and walks ahead of Jinyoung. "You don't need to come with. I can page the surgeon if I notice a problem."

Jinyoung wills himself not to cry.

\--

December 24, 2015

Jinyoung wonders if his heart will ever not clench when he sees Yugyeom.

\--

March 6, 2016

If Jinyoung will ever get to a point where he isn't affected by Yugyeom, it seems to be a long way away.

\--

March 9, 2016

Jinyoung walks past Yugyeom's car on the way into work. The windows are fogged up, and there's a distinctly female moaning noise coming from within. Jinyoung runs the rest of the way into work.

\--

March 23, 2016

Yugyeom is showing a group of new students around the department. Jinyoung stops his work and waves to them.

"This is Dr. Park." Yugyeom says. "He has the only fellowship in the cardiac department, so don't get on his bad side." He adds, eyeing Jinyoung darkly.

"Hello." Jinyoung says to the students, keeping his eyes carefully off Yugyeom. "I'll take good care of you if you take good care of me."

"Do it or he'll make your life hell." Yugyeom says, glaring at Jinyoung. All the students are looking nervously between the two of them.

\--

March 24, 2016

Jinyoung hunts down Yugyeom.

"Hey. Kim Yugyeom!" Jinyoung calls out, ignoring the strange looks they get . Yugyeom keeps walking.

"Thanks for that yesterday." Jinyoung says sarcastically. "Way to make me look good."

"No problem. Just letting people know not to get involved with you because it ends in trouble." Yugyeom says back. Jinyoung rolls his eyes.

"Right. Me. I'm the problem."

"Yeah. You are." Yugyeom says. "Now leave me alone."

If only it were that easy, Jinyoung thinks.

\--

July 10, 2016

They're very good at masking their feelings at work, Jinyoung thinks. Their surgeries together go well. It's as if despite their best wishes, their bodies still understand each other. Their brains still think in similar ways.

They don't hardly look at each other. They don't hardly speak to each other unless it's necessary.

But they're good at what they do.

\--

November 2, 2016

But then they don't.

Things go to shit in a surgery. They start bleeding too much. Then the procedure takes too long.

"Pay attention Dr. Kim." Jinyoung snips at Yugyeom. "The patient-"

"I'm paying attention." Yugyeom snips back. "Perhaps it would serve you better to pay closer attention to your work."

"I am." Jinyoung says. The heart monitor beeps in alarm. "Shit!"

They hastily stabilize the patient, and finish the operation.

"If only you'd done that earlier Dr. Park." Yugyeom says. "Maybe we wouldn't have been in this mess."

"Go fuck yourself." Jinyoung says. "Dr. Kim." The rest of the staff are clearly uncomfortable at this point.

Yugyeom storms out. Jinyoung scrubs out and stalks after Yugyeom.

"Yugyeom." He calls out, fury unfurling in his chest.

"What?" Yugyeom says in a low voice.

"We almost lost a fucking patient in there!" Jinyoung yells. "And you're telling me what I could've done better?"

"Yeah. I am." Yugyeom hisses. "You complete asshat."

"No you are!"

"I am?"

"Fucking people at work?" Jinyoung asks. "You think nobody knows?"

"That didn't bother you when it was you!" Yugyeom snarls. For a moment Jinyoung wonders if Yugyeom is going to punch him. He'd deserve it.

But Yugyeom doesn't. Instead, he squares his shoulders, and leaves without another word. Maybe that makes him a bigger man that Jinyoung.

\--

November 3, 2016

The director of the hospital calls Jinyoung into his office. When Jinyoung gets there, he finds a stone-faced Yugyeom.

"Both of you need to explain what happened yesterday outside Operating Room 2." She says.

"I-" Both Jinyoung and Yugyeom begin at the same time. Jinyoung looks at Yugyeom.

"You go first." He says.

"I was frustrated." Yugyeom begins. "The surgery was a mess from the very beginning." And so he explains what happened. The unexpected bleeding. The problems with the blood. The anesthesiologist running in and out of operating rooms, understaffed unexpectedly. The surgery taking longer than anticipated. They go through in minute by minute -- accompanied by the video footage.

"And can I ask why you yelled at each other afterwards?" The director asks after both of them have explained their side of the story. "The patient ended up being fine."

"I lost it." Jinyoung blurts out.

"I lost it too." Yugyeom says. "We... We let our interpersonal issues affect our work."

"Interpersonal issues?" The director asks, raising a neat eyebrow.

"Yes." Jinyoung says. "A difference of personalities."

"I don't care." She says. "That kind of behaviour has no place in my hospital."

\--

November 4, 2016

Both Yugyeom and Jinyoung are given a week off work, and they're going to be docked the pay.

\--

November 15, 2016

Jinyoung and Yugyeom aren't scheduled on surgeries together any more. They don't look at each other. It's as if Yugyeom doesn't exist to Jinyoung, if only he didn't run through Jinyoung's head every time he isn't thinking about work.

\--

December 31, 2016

"Yugyeom applied to work at another hospital." Hani says like it's no big deal, and Jinyoung feels his heart drop.

"What? Why?"

"I don't know. Apparently he isn't happy here, and I guess the director of Seoul Universal said they'd take his application."

"Can they really take him?"

"If he wants to be gone badly enough, and the director here will let him..." Hani tapers off.

"He can go." Jinyoung finishes. She nods.

After work he finds himself at a bar without intending to be there. He has one drink, then two, then six.

Somehow he's outside Yugyeom's apartment, swaying on his feet, and praying that Yugyeom will answer.

Somehow Yugyeom lets him in. Somehow Yugyeom lets Jinyoung kiss him. Somehow Jinyoung doesn't know where his body ends and Yugyeom's starts.

\--

January 1, 2017

Jinyoung wakes up naked in Yugyeom's bed, with Yugyeom's arms wrapped tightly around him and an intense sensation of nausea. He dresses quickly, trying not to wake up Yugyeom, and throws up outside in the snow. He feels too old to be doing something like this.

\--

January 2, 2017

Yugyeom doesn't look at Jinyoung.

\--

January 29, 2017

Yugyeom doesn't look at Jinyoung. Jinyoung has never found more fulfilment in his job than now. His thoughts want to swirl around Yugyeom but he forces them away until he's done his shift. Even if he sees Yugyeom in the halls, or in the break room, or the locker room. Nothing matters except the work.

\--

February 24, 2017

"You're going to be promoted." The director says one day when she calls Jinyoung into her office. "Barring the incident with Dr. Kim you've been the best resident we've had in years."

\--

March 31, 2017

Jinyoung is officially announced as head fellow of cardiothoracic surgery. The hospital director tells him that he's in line to be head surgeon of cardiothoracic surgery in a few years.

"Thank you." Jinyoung says gratefully, wishing more than anything he could tell Yugyeom about this.

"It's Yugyeom's last day today." Hani says after the announcement has been made.

"What?" Jinyoung asks, sure that he's just misheard.

"He's been keeping it quiet. He just finished his last shift."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Jinyoung asks.

"You don't like him very much." Hani says with a confused expression.

Jinyoung doesn't think. He just runs.

Yugyeom is packing up his locker when Jinyoung finds him. Miraculously, there isn't anyone else in the locker room.

"You can't go." Jinyoung says raggedly, breathing hard from his run. "You can't go to that other hospital."

"I can." Yugyeom replies, staring right at him. "I'm going to. "

"You can't." Jinyoung repeats, heart hammering in his chest.

"Why can't I?" Yugyeom asks.

"Because I love you!" He bursts out. "I love you so fucking much, and I can't bear to let you go."

"It's a little early for an April Fools' joke." Yugyeom says tensely, but at least he's stopped moving.

"It's not a joke. It's never been a joke. Not since we met again." Jinyoung says. "Please, Yugyeom. Please don't go!"

"Who are you to stop me?" Yugyeom asks coldly. "Did you really think that confessing your love would make me stay here?"

"No." Jinyoung admits. "But I knew that I had to try."

"You're joking."

"I'm not."

"Jinyoung."

"I was a fool." Jinyoung bursts out. "You're the best thing to happen to me. And I let you go because of my own foolishness."

Yugyeom looks like he's about to bolt. Jinyoung swallows.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please don't leave." He continues. "I'll... I'll leave. I'll find another job."

"Jinyoung-"

"I'm serious." Jinyoung says.

"Let's talk tomorrow." Yugyeom says finally. "I'm about to pass out on my feet, and you look like you are too."

"But-"

"I'm not saying no, or that I don't love you too, Jinyoung. But we need sleep to be able to talk about this properly."

"You love me too?" Jinyoung asks quietly.

"Yes." Yugyeom confirms, unsmiling. "But we're nowhere close to being okay right now. So let's talk tomorrow."

"Okay. After work?" Jinyoung asks.

"Sure. Let's get a coffee or something." Yugyeom says. "I... I want to talk."

\--

April 1, 2017

They wind up sitting in Jinyoung's car the next day after work, with coffee from the cafeteria cooling in the cupholders.

Jinyoung is sitting in the driver's seat, staring straight ahead. He hasn't been this close to Yugyeom in months. He longs to touch Yugyeom.

Yugyeom clears his throat.

"Let's talk about this." Yugyeom says.

"Where do you want to start?" Jinyoung asks.

"When did you fall in love me?" Yugyeom asks.

"Since that first Christmas." Jinyoung answers truthfully. Yugyeom blinks once, twice.

"That was six years ago."

"I'm aware."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to burden you with my feelings."

"Burden? How could you even think that you'd be burdening me?"

"When did you fall in love with me?" Jinyoung asks. "Because I know it wasn't then."

"Since that patient died." Yugyeom replies, gaze unwavering.

"How romantic." Jinyoung quips.

"Not his death. It was the day that cemented how I thought I felt about you. You... you were the only person I wanted to see on that horrible day. I didn't care if I didn't see anyone. But I needed to see you. I knew that seeing you would make me feel better. And you did. You do." Yugyeom says, and Jinyoung's mouth falls open.

"But-"

"Why then, didn't you want to be with me?"

"You have to understand that I didn't want anyone to think I was taking advantage of you."

"Anyone who knows you would know you wouldn't dare!" Yugyeom bursts out.

"But you must see how easy it would be for the story to be twisted into that." Jinyoung says. "I cared too much about you to see you get in trouble."

"That wasn't fair."

"I know."

"You walked from me. From us." Yugyeom says. "I was... heartbroken."

"I was too." Jinyoung admits. "It was a mistake."

"That should make me feel better, but it kind of doesnt't." Yugyeom says with a dry laugh. "We were both miserable, and for what?"

"For our jobs." Jinyoung says. "For our work. For our patients."

"What about our hearts?" Yugyeom asks. Jinyoung swallows.

"I don't know about that."

"I know you don't."

"I'm sorry." Jinyoung says again.

"I know you are." Yugyeom says.

"So what next?" Jinyoung asks. "Am I allowed to ask?"

"Let's talk tomorrow." Yugyeom says. "I... we have a lot more to talk about."

"Okay." Jinyoung agrees.

\--

April 2, 2018

"Let's talk." Yugyeom says, grabbing hold of Jinyoung after work. Jinyoung is acutely aware of everyone staring at them. It must look strange, Jinyoung has to agree. They haven't been seen speaking like this in ages.

"Okay." Jinyoung agrees.

"Not here." Yugyeom says, and leads them to a quiet hallway. Their pagers are on. "So." He says slowly, dragging the word out.

"So I'm sorry." Jinyoung says. "I misplaced your trust. I fucked up."

"I fucked up too." Yugyeom replies. "Don't think I didn't. Because I did."

"I just. I was afraid." Jinyoung confesses. "I was afraid of losing you completely."

"If I got fired?" Yugyeom asks.

"Yes. You love medicine. I couldn't jeopardize that for you."

"Why couldn't you just tell me?"

"I knew you'd fight about it." Jinyoung says and Yugyeom smiles weakly.

"You know me too well."

"I couldn't... I don't know why I thought it was a better idea to just not let it happen in the first place instead of being forced to break up later."

"For someone so smart... You're rather dumb." Yugyeom says.

"I know." Jinyoung says. "I know. I'm sorry."

"I... I understand why you did it though." Yugyeom says slowly. Jinyoung stays silent as Yugyeom thinks. "You must've thought a lot about it."

"I did."

"Mmm."

"I know you can't forgive me." Jinyoung says. "I know that. It was all my fault that we got in this mess." Yugyeom reaches a shaky hand up and clasps Jinyoung's hand.

"It's going to take some time." Yugyeom says. "But I want to try and forgive you."

\--

April 4, 2017

Jinyoung comes out of an operation to find Yugyeom waiting for him. He's chewing his lip nervously.

"Will you go out with me?" Yugyeom asks. "For real, for real. With both of us agreeing to it?"

"Yes." Jinyoung answers quickly.

"What's your schedule?" Yugyeom asks.

"I'm free tomorrow after four." Jinyoung says after thinking for a beat.

"I'll pick you up at five thirty then." Yugyeom says.

"What are we doing?"

"It's a surprise." Yugyeom replies, with something close to a smile.

\--

April 5, 2017

Yugyeom picks up Jinyoung from his house.

"You look good." Yugyeom says, eyes running up and down Jinyoung's body.

Yugyeom takes him to a nice restaurant. They eat dinner and have a glass of wine and pretend that they both aren't utterly exhausted. But this is them. This is the way they've always been. Their lives have fit together easily, even when they were trying not to.

"I had a great time tonight." Jinyoung says once Yugyeom has driven him back home and they're sitting outside, taking any opportunity to draw the night out.

"I'm glad." Yugyeom says.

"Do you want to do it again sometime?" Jinyoung asks, unable to hide the hope in his voice.

"I want you to stop messing around, and be mine." Yugyeom says. Jinyoung's breath hitches in his throat.

"Are you serious?"

"I'm dead serious." Yugyeom answers. "I forgive you. I love you. I'm in love with you. Haven't we spent long enough apart?"

Jinyoung tugs him out of the car and into his apartment, pausing only to kiss Yugyeom in the hallway.

Yugyeom's hands roam over Jinyoung's body, and Jinyoung runs his hands through Yugyeom's hair. Their exhaustion is forgotten for the moment.

"Finally." Jinyoung moans.

"Finally is right." Yugyeom says, unbuttoning Jinyoung's jeans.

Jinyoung comes that night saying Yugyeom's name like a prayer.

\--

April 18, 2017

Yugyeom is climbing out of Jinyoung's bed to go home when Jinyoung realizes that he doesn't want Yugyeom to leave like this ever again. They've spent two weeks in obsession with each other. Jinyoung has spent years in love with Yugyeom.

"Will you move in me?" Jinyoung asks suddenly, as Yugyeom is putting his sweater on.

"It's been two weeks since I asked you out." Yugyeom says, but he doesn't seem particularly bothered by this fact.

"I know." Jinyoung says. "So will you?" Yugyeom sighs.

"Okay."

"I can help you move this weekend?"

"I have Sunday off. Does that work?"

"Yeah." Jinyoung says, and he can't hide the smile that comes over his face. "It does."

\--

April 23, 2017

"That's everything." Jinyoung says, setting down the last box.

"You don't have very many things." Yugyeom replies.

"I'm too busy for things." Jinyoung says.

"Hmm. Too busy to have sex on my bed though?" Yugyeom asks.

"Maybe not." Jinyoung answers, already pulling off his shirt. Yugyeom laughs.

"I think I'm going to like living with you." Yugyeom says, and wraps his arms around Jinyoung's waist to pull him in for a messy kiss.

\--

May 1, 2017

"I just think you should-"

"You can't tell me what to do all the time!" Yugyeom says angrily. Jinyoung recoils.

"I don't!"

"Yes you do!" Yugyeom says. "You do it without even trying!" He tries to turn away but Jinyoung launches himself forward and wraps his arms around Yugyeom.

"What are you doing?"

"I don't want to fight with you anymore." Jinyoung says. "I just want to hold you."

And Yugyeom just goes completely limp. Jinyoung pulls him in tight.

"I'm sorry." He says into Yugyeom's chest. "I'll try harder. I don't mean to tell you what to do."

"I'll try harder too." Yugyeom says, stroking along Jinyoung's spine.

\--

June 18, 2017

It isn't easy, Jinyoung realizes. It isn't easy to choose to be in love with someone. But he loves Yugyeom. And he's chosen to be in love with him. It has to be enough.

\--

July 6, 2017

It has to be enough when they don't see each other for four days straight -- caught in a relentless schedule of work.

\--

August 29, 2017

It has to be enough when a patient of Yugyeom's dies unexpectedly and Jinyoung watches Yugyeom retract inside himself.

\--

October 28, 2017

It has to be enough when Jinyoung doesn't get the promotion he'd been hoping for.

\--

December 19, 2017

It's enough when Yugyeom slips his hand into Jinyoung's for just a moment before their shift begins.

"I love you." He says. "I'll see you later." He says, and it's a promise.

"I love you too." Jinyoung says, and presses a kiss to the corner of Yugyeom's mouth when no one is looking.

\--

June 2, 2018

Jinyoung wakes up to rustling beside him. He blearily opens his eyes to see Yugyeom getting out of bed.

"It's too early." He says, voice hoarse from sleep, and Yugyeom just smiles at him.

"I'm starting breakfast. It'll be ready when you get up."

"Come back to bed." He replies, blinking a few times. "It's our weekend off." He whines.

"I know. And we have plans." Yugyeom says, pulling the covers gently off Jinyoung.

\--

June 3, 2018

Jinyoung is thirty-two and he's hopelessly in love with someone who loves him just as much back.


End file.
